There’s two questions people ask often when the subject of Chris being in the hospital for seven months comes up:
How do you do it? How do you handle being at the hospital everyday? I just take it day by day and deal with the frustrations as they rise. Believe me there are plenty of frustrations! Between the doctors and nurses not listening and the overall frustrations of the situation, I have plenty to be frustrated with.
I don’t have a magic way to deal with stress. We all handle stress differently. I try to stay focused on the big picture and the outcome I want. This being said, it does not mean that I don’t get grumpy or down right bitchy! When my world is falling apart and there’s very little I can do about it. I feel helpless.
Yesterday was an especially rough day. Not because there was an issues with Chris’s health, because it was our tenth wedding anniversary. This is not the first anniversary we have spent in this very hospital and he wasn’t mentally with it for either of them. Our first wedding anniversary was spent like yesterday. The day was spent in the hospital with the same prayer running through my head. “Lord, thank you for all the wonderful times Chris and I have had together. Please, heal him and allow us to have many more years to make wonderful memories. Amen.”
I cannot say I was a pleasant person to be around yesterday. Not sure today is much better, either. The few people I talked to took either the “understanding tone” or the “offended tone.” That seems to be a pattern anymore. Everyone is either one way or the other. I appreciate the understanding tones; although I know most of them have no idea what I’m going through. I truly hope they never have to experience this. As for the offended ones, they can suck it up and deal with the fact that the world doesn’t revolve around them.
Anyway, the other question I often get asked is: Do you really think he wants to suffer like this/ that? To this I reply, I am following his wishes. He wanted them to do anything and everything they can to save him. He is a doctor. He knew all the possible outcomes and still chose to have them do all they can do for him. I am simply respecting his wishes.
I had this very conversation with one of the sweetest ladies that works at this hospital. I knew she didn’t mean for it to come across that I’m doing something wrong, but that’s usually how it comes across. When I explained to her that I’m respecting his wishes she seemed to have a better understanding. People seem very quick to judge the situations without knowing the details. I really don’t think that will ever change. I’m also not sure if they realize the added stress they cause by doing this. For someone to imply that I’m making Chris suffer because I won’t let go just makes my blood boil. No, I don’t want to let him go. I want to have many more years with him. However, what I want is not something that matters. What he wants is ALL that matters!
I’m stressed to my max and have a very low tolerance for any bullshit.
-Lori